Chennai Dosa in South Croydon, Surrey

The Meal

Chilli massala dosa
Channa massala
Bottle of coke

The Experience

This place provides an incredible blend of proper south indian cuisine with mind bendingly low prices.  £2.60 for a chilli massala dosa with vegetable gravy, coconut chutney and some other crazy shit I'm not sure the name of?  Yes blud.

This mikey house has a large range of starters and loads of different mains you've never heard of, such as idly and these fried doughnut things I can't remember the name of.  And tbe best thing is you will be the only honky in tbe house.  Virtually all the clientelle are local Sri Lankans and Southern Indians.

The experience is so good it makes my mind wander into an exotic land I can't remember the name of.  Maybe it has no name, maybe it's name is simply mitch.  As the dosa is consumed by hand, I see see Bengal tigers flash before my eyes, I see Royal elephants of the Raj.  But these creatures have a fear in their eyes, they know something is out there in the bush, watching them, waiting to pounce and end their monopoly of stodgy tikkas, kurmas and crap nans. Even the modernized mikey joints of quake in their boots, knowing the dosa is coming to slit their hroats.

Food - 4.34/5
Atmosphere - 4.2/5
Honky factor - 0/5

Architectural style - Miami neon deco, due to the intense purple plastics and neon UV lighting inside.

Spice Bazaar in Bovey Tracey, Dartmoor

Forget the fact this place is in a location more likely to serve you up Morris dancers and wild ponies, the Spice Bazaar is an absolute bomb governor of a Mitch provider.
The meal
Paneer balti
Palak Sabzi
Plain rice
Puri
Non flat or watered down coke
Lit Candle and flower
The experience
Hidden away next to a local Spa shop and opposite a kebab nightmare, Spice Bazaar is like some hidden magical object from the times of yore.  It just shouldn't exist out near the open moor, but it does and it is dope.
The food is really good but it's the overall vibe which transports you to another dimension.  The decor is light and relaxing, nice wood floors and subtle flowers on each table.  It reminds me of the sort of muted tones and furniture that might be used as a backdrop for Kath Kidston's autumn interiors collection, but with all the spotty oh wasn't it great in the fifties before I was actually born cobblers removed.  So a room then, a nice one, with no spotty cushions or bunting.
Whilst I ate my mind began to wander, and I considered which dish the hound of the baskervilles might have gone for.  Would he prefer a thali or a set course for two?  Who would his companion be, perhaps Hooch from Turner and Hooch?  I imagined them both there, Hooch moaning about being typecast since working with Tom Hanks and the Baskerville hound semi nodding in agreement but really itching for his pakoras to arrive.

Food - 4.12/5
Atmosphere - 4.23/5
Architectural match - Le Corbuisier does miss marple

Sheesh Mahal in Llanelli, South Wales

Reputedly the best Mitch dispenser in Llanelli, I went in there and had a Mitch.

The meal

Vegetable paneer masala or something
Chana aloo
Egg n pea fried rice
Flat coke
After eight mint with bill

The experience

On first entering the Sheesh I was offered a table right next to a massive water feature. It was well noisy, like being sat next to a broken drain in a storm.  I asked if I could move to the table next to the toilet which was more to my liking.

My waiter was friendly and had some sort of football player's Mohawk with mullet tail hair do.  It was pretty dope actually, much better than my wispy comb over.  The food turned up very quickly which made me think they must have read my mind before I'd got there, perhaps when I was  outside Newport on the M4.

Mid meal my mind began to wander and I found myself wondering how these places outside London survive.  I know it's frightfully metro prejudice of me, but what do people outside London do, they can't all run curry houses or be bank robbers?  I suppose it's my narrow mindedness, sheet I don't even know what's going on anymore.  By the way the voice in my head while I wonder things is that of Eddie murphy in Beverley hills cop.

Food - 3.68/5
Atmosphere - 2.76/5
Architecture match - deco ballroom meets midlands hotel conference suite

Chillies in Royal Wootton Bassett

A small Mikey house in Wootton Bassett Hound, one of two in a town which majors on Union Jack flags, a high street, and some shops.

The meal
Vegetable vindaloo
Motor paneer
Pilau rice
Watery coke
After eight mint with bill
Hot towel thing which I'm never sure if it is ok to wipe your face with (does this count as part of the meal?)

The experience
I was the first diner in the joint which meant I had three blokes hovering round me trying to be busy.  But they were nice and dug my out of town vibe, they knew I wasn't some local honky farmer or squaddie in for an out of body lager experience.  We exchanged knowing Mikey glances and I felt reassured.

The rice was a little dry and the vindaloo a little tomatoey, but the jewel in the crown was the motor paneer.  This is the first time I have tried the dish, in the past I have always assumed it was some sort of gearbox component of the fabulous Hindustan ambassador car, but now I realise it is cheese and chick peas.

As I ate my food my mind wandered, I experienced the rice via interpretive mime, the vindaloo by telekinesis and the paneer via my mouth.  The combination of the three led to thoughts of the loss of british identity, our fading memories of World Cup victory, and non need for a trident replacement beyond national ego and trying to avoid our inevitable loss of global standing.  Washed done with a coke.

Food - 2.32/5
Atmosphere - 2.45/5
Architecture match - Arts and crafts

Guff

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